Ah most curious indeed you are, your a perplexing human needless to say, perhaps we are both so used to the opposite sex throwing themselves at us were not to sure whatvto do when the other minds themselves more Or less, not to say your not tempting you certainly are, But your perplexing to me very perplexing and I think that my opportunity has passed me by to win your heart? But needless to say you confuse me and time will tell where this may lead, who knows but for now you shall be my confusion

Out of Reach

Broken pedals, falling from a dying rose, rose pedals drifting across a harsh winter gale, being pushed voilently into the water, the water rocks them, upon whitecapped waves, pushing them out to the sea, out of reach...

In progress

Wander wayfarer, youve been called many things before drunk and a fool
your famous in song and well known in verse
always talked about through out all time
so may you take some time out of your journey and answer me a question or two?
Why is it you never seem to fade or die, but just drift on by
and why dont you settled down and just call somewhere home, anywhere will do.

A silly little ditty

I pledge my love to the setting sun,
the rising moon,
for your the only thing that stays true
time and time again,
you never fail even though, I do you
How I fail to appreciate your beauty but still you keep
coming back to me daily never ceasing
to remind why I love you...

Folly

The youth is folly,
we lay here thinking that we can change this world
that we will be different, we can end poverty, war and all atrocity,
that we will be different we will make our mark on this world and it will be for the good, but my dear youth cant you see your folly every generation before us has tried to make there mark to change it, but take note we still are waging war we are still hungry there is still atrocities, now instead of smashing skulls with rocks we use nuclear missile, instead of not having enough food we have to much, and people are still being oppressed, so my youth has any generation managed to change this since the start of time? the answer is no, so why do we continue to try maybe its our youthful nature that inclines us to this foolishness...

Letters

I dance in a storm of confetti
The letters you write to me
They rain down captured in flame
the horizons are orange
oh how the torn paper that you wrote to me
float, they float they land all about
consumed as they drift
and I write to you on a blank page
and all it is filling with rage
fire burns within me,
consuming all that left of what was there
My arms they extend like, the christ god
as I spin about the flaming papers with your name about them
and I laugh, I laugh at the flaming paper that drifts about me
like a rain of little flames, the wind it blows them to and fro
and then I decide to find some place else to go
to wander and drift as the wind blows...

Vacant Mind

Empty street lead to a vacant mind,
alleyways full of fire light my way
and I tell myself I aint ever coming back here again
but as the smoke drifts up from the alley ways
lighting this street of shadows
THe monotone of the click and clack of my boots
on the dirty cobblestone of the street that I cant see
oh street where do you lead, to a vacant mind
or to a better place, who knows
but walk on is what I shall do...

my subsitute

Ember

All thats left from the fire of my feelings,
is this little ember that glows orange, radiating only a deficient amount of warmth
here I hold this ember, all thats left of what once was,
Thoughts they come and go, to extinguish this ever so tiny ember, to destroy it once and for all, but half blind I decide to store whats left of this tiny ember
deep deep into the bottom of what I call my heart, To let be guarded but not discarded, to sit and add a little glow to the darkness down below,
Only there for me to see, but maybe one day youll bring the kerosene and light this blaze once again, to the fire that ravaged me to no end...

Illuminations..

Our bodies entwined illuminated by fire in the sky,
it rains, it rains down flames
your body it burns,
you sear you sear deep into my skin, under my flesh in the marrow of my bone
Illumination from the fire in your eyes, Illuminate the ice in mine
The earth its darkened and burned
fire ravages the ground falling from on high
it rains it rains down flames
the brush engulfed in flame,
the trees the trees they scream out in pain,
the sky is bright with the fire on high
burning burning consuming the world we know, casting light to
illuminate our bodies still entwined

My dream of late...

So this is a dream ive had a few nights now and thought id share it with you all.

The sound of water laps against the steel hull of a ship, It has a post world war 2 feel or just an older feel. I stand on a darkened dock taking slow drags from a cigarette, its cold out and there is a thick fog. I can see the steel hulls and the cranes of a ship yard that I am currently in. Im wrapped in a warm peacoat with an old sea bag across my shoulder, shadows are everywhere and whats not directly in front of me is a hazy silhoute, I stand there smoking in the cold, as if waiting for something or someone, but eventually decide to walk on, I walk to away from the dock into a small town through unlit alley ways and streets, there are no street signs on the roads and the only light comes from the cigarette I am smoking, I readjust my seabag and continue wandering the streets, feeling as though I am looking for something just not knowing what it is. I eventually come to a small alley with a lantern outside the door, I walk into a small tavern like place and sit down at the counter putting my bag under my feet, I strike up another cigarette and order a whiskey with two ice cubes no more no less, I make small talk with the bar tender nothing of prevalence, I continue to sit there and nurse my whiskey for what seemed like ages, eventually a man comes and sit by me and says "you just get in sailor" I reply "yes i just got back, my name is Rory" the old man who looks weathered by more than just natural age replies "I didnt ask your name sailor" I notice how he was smoking lucky strikes and took his drink the same way I did. So I bought him a drink, I noticed the jaded nature in his eye and the way he spoke with a disdain for humanity in general, We began to speak once again, I noticed how this man would never call me by my proper name just "Sailor" and would never tell me his name as well though I prompted him to it was always retorted in "names dont really matter in these times" We talked the night away, about far away places we had been, storms we had weathered and just general small talk, in my dreamscape I thought it was odd how our lifes were so parrelel, but then the conversation turned serious and we talked more, and then I knew I had to make ship for some other distant land, I grab my sea bag off that dusty and mangy floor and put my drink back on the oaken table. The old man goes "Rory" I ask "old man how do know my name, im just a sailor to you" and he replies "its my name to" Then I cannot hear the rest of whats said but I nod and light a cigarette and walkout the door....

needless to say it was the wierdest dream of my life and what is odder is its happened a few nights now...any ideas??

Doctor Doctor

Doctor Doctor you say I got a disease, and you got the cure
Patient Patient, take a few of these and it will make you all cured,
Doctor Doctor, I just self medicate but ill take what you got give
Patient Patient, tell me your fears
Physcatrist Physcatrist, Come a little closer and ill whisper in your ear
Patient Patient, you got a disease, here take a few of these and it will make you all cured
Phycatrist Physcatrist, I just self medicate but ill take what you got to give
Born Again Born Again, You say you got the answers but ive made no inquiries
Unsaved Soul Unsaved soul, where are you going after you die
Born Again Born Again, Come a little closer and ill whisper in your ear
Unsaved Soul Unsaved Soul, you got a disease I got the cure!
Born Again Born Again, I just self medicate
God God, why have you forsaken us
Wanderer Wanderer, come a little closer and ill whisper in your ear
God God, you got a disease but I dont have a cure...

Funny how we both wrote something on the 27

She blew in from the south were love is lust, you stole the key my heart, And Ive been gone so long, it seems like home to me, baby when i was young and brave I took you for my world, the oceans were your eyes, the pastures were your curls, now I am all alone stranded in the west, and were you sleep tonight I can only guess...

I hope not...

You...

You my sweetest love I feel you may destroy my heart, I can sense it in my being as we speak as we converse, will you lead me down the garden path and leave me for another?? This of which I am not certain, I sometimes feel like I put alot more effort into this relationship than you do?? Is it true maybe, maybe I should back off a bit, you say I have this look and your not sure if you like it, is it that you want me to not care about you?? To not fall for you?? So then we could just use each other for our body parts?? Is that it?? Your a storm, a up hill battle, and im not sure if I have the endurance for it my love, im not to sure at all? You know already that I adore you more than I can put into cheap words, I know the look you talk of and rare one for me to give one of which I have no control of, The meaning of this look is rather plain rather simple, it means that I care so much about you that I cant grasp it myself, it also means you hold my heart in a palm of your hand will you crush it or keep it?? thats what this look means in case you wondered. So if your looking to let me down just do it quickly, dont weather me out. For I am a loyal creature and I will stay by your side even if your dragging me through the garden path. So my love im not to sure where you stand with me?? I hope nothing has changed but somewhere inside I think it has, but you dont know how to tell me? Is that it?? im not to sure, im not to sure about anything...

...

my mind is not at ease to day the least, what is it, i do not know to be honest but it deals with this women whom dwells in my heart, there is a sense, a bad omen on the horizon, i hope my mind is decieving and this is just a mechanism of defence that springs forth from my troubled mind, im not to sure I guess only time will tell..

This and that and some more bricka brack...

Maybe one day ill get a im proud of you son,love mom and dad
thats not said in front of people to impress them and pretend were some happy family
or maybe ill get i think your just fine the way you are, instead of you need to complete task A. then B. and please dont forget your not good enough for us for rask C.
Maybe one day ill sastisfy whatever it is to please you, but i sincerely doubt that is possible, nothing is good enough for you, you see me as you wish me to be, but do you know what lays inside of me, i really wish i could show what makes me, well me but you couldnt understand or appreciate it either, so imagine me as you wish, in a set of dresss blues and medals adorning my chest for being the brave and the best, pretend you put my picture with a brazen uniform and serious smile there on the wall,
holding that marmiluke sword with the ivory handle as i walk proudly forward, then you would burst with pride and then i may get a were proud of you son, love mom and dad. but you will just have to pretend for I am not what you think of me, instead of this sword in my hand i clutch a pen, and a note book, which i scribble down my sonnets, none of which you have ever read, for i doubt you would be interested my dear mother, and well boys dont write poetry according to my pop,
I am not the son you wanted and I am sorry for that but I cant help what is in my heart to strive a different path maybe one day you will accept me and maybe i could get a were proud of you whispered in my ear, instead of in front of an audience

Untitled

Mother Earths muddy toed love child,
Cavort through the lush fields of spring
Dance in the juniper of the sun soft rays
Swim in the streams saccharine joy,
And when you bed your head down to rest,
And when we lay apart just recall that,
The sky is our blanket and the moon is our pillow,
And the soft cool earth is our bedding,
So in all truth we lay together, for as long as the heavens stand tall and the stars do not fall, we have this bed to rest

....

Its rather curios indeed how we both should really actually be dead, lord knows we tried one passively one a bit more actively but in the end we are still breathing and alive, warmed in each others arms...im very glad I didnt die, and hopedully you are to??

Glue...

contact cement, rubber cement, take it all in, deep long breath up the nostrils into your lungs, now wait, leave it there let it settle around in your lungs, in a fraction of seconds your air and blood flow is being resticted, your vision blurs, your nose burns, your head is growing lighter and lighter like a balloon nearing the point in which it burst, now sit back and feel the relief which flows from your fingers and toes, its brief but its there now when problems arise just repeat and soon youll be fine...

Blurred vision, burning sensations from the paint that I inhale into my lungs.
You come to in my daze blurred but ever present, speaking soft words into my ears making me feel, as though i am cared for, that someone would show up to my funeral if I ever catch a knife in the back, you are radiant you are beautiful and I am hiding in a veil of various chemicals just to deal with what goes on at my home, but what makes it better is that you know just what i am talking about and can relate to this.

There is...

There is no chemical escape from my mother

So this is a list of the things I like the most about this girl...

1) how your feet are always dirty
2) your messy hair
3) the chipped finger nail paint
4) the freckles on your face
5) the freckles everywhere else
6) how your my hands are pretty much bigger than your feet
7) how you fit so well on my shoulder
8) the smell of your hair, it has a tint of shampoo and something else that i cant place but love (It's your hairspray)
9) your rings and bracelets that tend to take up your arm
10) the way you smoke a cigarette to the bitter end, and how you take nice even drags
11) Your bandannas and bonnets and what not you put on your head
12) The softness of your skin

to be continued....

So here I am again...

I wake up the light driving into my mind, a broken cigarette still in my lips, a drained bottle of vodka in one hand a lighter in the other, I sit slumped upon my desk, still groggy from what is going on, I do not even remeber when i started drowning my sorrows last eve or was the day before last, time is so relative when it comes to these matters, just a desire to forget where I come from, and where Ive been, and who I have been with.

Two Birds with Broken wings how will we ever learn to fly??

They tell me that you’re a bad girl. They say you sleep around. They say you’re a sexual deviant. They say I am making a mistake, that I’ll play the fool. They say you got a drug a problem, an alcohol problem, and least of all a love problem. But it is not as if I don’t have some baggage of my own, I hide in my own chemical walls that I built strong. Reinforced with a jumble of words I call poetry and I hide from the light for I disdain the world so. I have done deeds that have left men broken and maimed, blood was just a taste I grew accustomed to. I have had my best friend die in my arms bleeding rivers of crimson into that storm drain early in the dawns clean light. So you and I my love, we are like two birds with broken wings how will we ever learn to fly, with all this weight we carry on our souls?
You came to my dwelling late one eve and I had been biding in a chemical veil, since half past three, a few friends gathered to celebrate something trivial something meek, through the fog of my mind your slender figure came across that door frame and your beautiful face, I was certain of its celestial nature but when I looked into your eyes I saw you were just as broken as I. We sat and talked, I offered you a light and you took the invite as the moon shone clear from that black sky. The first phrase off my lips was “Girl, I don’t believe in love” and you replied with “Boy, no need to worry, for nor do I” and we sat there in silence for a bit taking in the majestic night sky. I told you of the rain and the clouds and maybe you caught glimpses of these chains around my body and the walls that I built high around my heart to fend off love, for I know I caught a glimpse of yours. I asked for your name you just said “Boy, call me Bonnie and you can be Clyde” and I said through an exhale of smoke “That’s fine by me” I thought to myself “for we all know how there story ends.” We continued talk as the night dragged by; I knew we were both playing the game of attraction.
Which was all right, for we both knew our desires which led to a first kiss on that chair, and it was nothing pure. It tasted like tobacco and gin, and we both grinned, we woke up the next morn in the clean light of the dawn. And throughout the next week I wondered was it love or fear of the cold that led us through that night? Oh, how I tried to raise my walls back to those imposing heights around my heart and seal you away from that tender organ of tissue, blood and emotion. To no avail these walls crumbled and fell slowly but surely, cracked and weathered by some unknown assailant, I told myself to resist, to keep building, to keep fabricating but it just caused these facades to fall ever so swiftly. I have also come to perceive that as these walls fall down to the crimson earth below, these chains and shackles are starting to break free from my body they no longer clank with each step I take nor do I feel there weight with each breath I gasp at. I think the same may be happening for you as well.
So if neither of us believes in this fairy tale called love I wonder what I am falling into every time I gaze into your soft brown eyes? They say it’s a trap that I am plummeting into, though I think they are wrong this time.
So my love, you and I we are like broken glass that has been shattered in the tempest of this world, place our shattered pieces of glass together and the stained lives we live into one frame, the cracks sealed but all can still see, for when we are together our beauty shines forth like the radiance of a stained glass window in the midday sun.
These fairy tales have drugged told us what to expect from life and love that there is always a happy ending, a happy beginning and a happy middle, a beautiful princess and a dashingly handsome prince, crafted by the gods themselves. A match made in heaven. Unfortunately, I come to shed some truth on this matter, and I am sorry to say you are being deceived for the path of life and especially the path of love is nothing like this, especially in regards to love for the fairy tales tell us that everyone is perfect and everyone is symmetrical but I disagree for that is a façade. The fictitious story I have told above illustrates that what we search for is not always perfect or pure but can still be found. Love is the cracks and stains in the person that we feel this towards and the cracks and stains in our own lives we live. One can think back to the story of Bonnie and Clyde and not think of the ending of there love but the story of what made them into what they were and the love they had during there life. The person who holds our heart accepts us as who we are and what our person and essence is. So maybe two birds with broken wings can learn to fly or at least try to catch that wistful breeze.

some prose

The walls that I built around my heart were once impregnable.
but when you walked through that door they began to crumble like the walls of jericho
and down and down they came collapsing in upon themselves at first i tried to built them up but it was all for not, now i leave myself exposed on all flanks exposed to the stinging arrows and the piercing swords, with no means of defense, i stand naked and bare defenseless likely a newly borne babe, you have the power to make these walls rise forth out of the ashes and turn them into walls of roses and lilacs, and we can be entwined like those beautiful vines...

You are like a rose who beauty is unrivaled, the morning dew drips off your pedals causing rivelets of rainbow in each drop, but you keep your thorns strong and sharp always ready to prick the passerby, to protect yourself from harm that you percieve from the cruel world, you stand alone and resilent in your beauty, but my love i wish to tend to you, but you grow fearful, to nurture you,to tell you of your beauty constantly, but you grow fearful, but i can remain persistent in your care waiting and hoping for one day when you may let down your guard and allow your thorns to fall away from your stem and let me into your heart...

am i being played...

so i think i may be being played im not to sure yet...why would you tell me those things if you wanted to play me it makes no sense...why would you end the conversation in that way if you were going for a gentle push off away from me?? idk to be honest i know your not a safe bet i knew that from the start i know how you live your life which is fine i dont mind really...but dont think of me as a fool either. and dont destroy something that could prove to be beautiful out of fear. this is sheer ridiculouslessnes idk what i shall do about you my dear lady i hope you realize that im not going to hurt you and that what you do to me makes me quite scared as well the power you wield over me is not natural...so let us cast this fear aside my angel and we caould go forth and continue this...

"no longer shall i see these streets of sorrow"

The college...

it has worked out as long as i get the paper work in it will happen which is wonderful news!! but what plaguing me lately is the lack of contact from this lovely lady maybe she is just busy or what not or im being to over bearing which i try hard not to do but i crave her like heroin which is an understatement but i assume she is busy i pray that is the case any how i hope she has not lost interest in me that would make me quite melancholic to say the least leading to much drinking much but i dont think she has lost interest oh well we shall see we shall see...

Same issue at hand....

the more i think about it the more it irks me...I dont want a college life that is so regimented people telling me when to eat sleep shit have to dress this way only...i dont want to lose who i am in its entirety. and the citadel a bastion of southern pride military schools...i dont feel like i need to prove myself to anyone there or to my parents so now what?? as this continues to unfold i shall inform you of how it goes...

It has hit the fan...

So i ontacted call maritime and the recieve my transcripts they are reavulating me which is a plus...unfortunately when they called my mother picked up...leading to shit hitting the fan big time...leading to a long discussion with papa and a argument with mother...all and all its bad...but i feel forthright in my choice to change schools and this has just temepered my forthrghtness if money is an issue and they are not going to help me i shall just enlist in the national guard and then it shall no longer be an issue at hand for then my life is my own...the stress of this situation is weighing upon my soul but it has been laid out now we shall just wait and see...the guard seems like a good idea and hopefully a leverage point against them for not funding me for im pretty much guarenteed a deployment to the middle east especially since i would go infantry...it wieghs upon my soul so much so much i just am so perplexed so confused so distraught i hope this can work out soon the sooner the better...i dont see the citadel as a place for me, but they do, i think the time to break free has come...

Well...

it has been laid out to me, my choice is not my own, the citadel is where i am going no matter what...it still irks me, my family does not talk about the choices that effect my life, its just assumed oh well, i hope its just the crazy things that this certain girl is doing to my mind im not to sure to say the least, or if m thought on the citadel are true...i guess time will tell there is always a few plans in my hip pocket all of which are drastic ut they pretty much eliminate seeing this women all together which is counter productive to say the least...i figure that i shall attend the citadel and hope for the best with the women who holds a special place in my heart right now, timing is everything i guess... what can i expect were across the country its not like i can make her mine no no i cant its not fair hopefully breaks during the year will be enough to satisfy the joy she gives me....uncertainity sorrow just everything is fucked up, fucked up....

Fuck this shit...

Im expected to go to the citadel im expected to get commissioned in the marine corps... but i really dont want to go to the citadel but its to late for it i reckon i have a last push that im going to make soon as in like tommorow, but another point how do i tell my parents especially papa that i dont want this its hard to do but i think its time to assert what i want...the money they have put into the summer school can be redeemed...i just dont want to spend four years of my life which im supposed to enjoy being chained to rules getting a degree that wont really help me that much after the military and i dont want a ring that bad from the citadel, i know cal maritime is a good school its where i want to go it fits me but i didnt get accepted which sucks tommorow i shall call them and try to talk my way into it then i will talk to my parents i think idk this is finally becoming a reality and i dont like where it is heading...

Deliberating on this on...

The call to arms is coming across the whispering breeze
it passes by growing stronger and stronger with each breath i take into my lungs
I clutch my blackened rifle in my hands, and dream of the shores back home,
I lied to my love, when i told her i would return,
I hope i shall but the shadow of death stalks me where ever i walk
I know that i must embrace her soft touch soon,
but as sit in these trenches full of mud,
I dwell upon your soft skin in the spring time sun
and the thoughts of you are what drive me on in
the valley of death, for your warm memories keep back the wretched hand of death
from claiming me...

with this sack upon my back

I got no home
I got no girl to call my own
all i own is in this sack i carry on my back
im a drifter i dont know where im bound
or where im from for that fact
I try to leave you in the dusty tracks of my feet
but you persistently cling to my mind
your a serpent around my neck
you sink your fangs deep into my heart
seeping venom through my veins
its sad to say i used to love you
when you dont even seem to care
i was just a toy for your amusement
but now im bound for now where land
with this sack upon my back

Cleansing Sin

I dont ask for your blood to cleanse me of these sins
Life is far to short to live
once we love its always lost
so maybe we should just toss caution and logic
to the wind and chain them to the sea floor and
fall into each others arms once again?
just for this eve and maybe forever more?

take my hand...

The moon it is a vessel to a new and enchanting land,
the sails are struck, the moon it drifts with the breeze
the sails they flick and ebb
take my hand my love and we shall leave with the tide
for a place we cannot know
for this is no place for us to bide
take my hand my love for we leave with the tide...

Christain charity....

The audicity of some of these people is ridiculous they all protest socialism like its from satan himself but then they go and protest the oppression of people in india and what not..do they not know that capitalism is the root of these problems big business is what causes this suffering on these peoples but yet they stand against it...they know nothing of this world and how it works...

The tribulation...

The tribulations that you bestow upon me
I do not ask for them
but you seem to give them freely
the fact that you occupy my mind
and trap me with these chains that bind
I want to give my all to you
does that provoke fear in your heart
for i shant be here always
i did not ask for this
i want to be your lover
but your coy and jaded with your repose
i cant decipher what you want from me
i could be bold and just lay it all about on the ground
but i fear it may just drive you off
my heart begans to think it was just fear of the cold that lead you and i through that raptuous winter night
but id like to believe it was more
but you do not recipercate this or maybe i am blind to your actions
i do not know, i do not know
and this angers me so
i want to make you mine, but you seem not to want that or maybe your just taking things slow...but for i think that does not apply for you know what gone on...
so please your coyness is causing me pain and making me slightly refrain from your embrace...just tell me what you think and what you want from me...

Wow.....

thats so fucking irksome and quite mean! oh well ill vent elsewhere!!!

....

dreams of friends who have passed are plaguing my dreams lately its been nearly two years since that month of october which claimed two close friends of mine both voliently both too young too soon, i often wonder if i had shown up sooner i could have prevented that incident, i wish i could go back for i would be there this time to stop it...but why do you come to my dreams I will never forget you both for the sorrow which I hold in my heart still bleeds out to this day, so young so bold was your pride worth your life?? i was going to be asked to do the same thing as you next but that trial never came...if it had im sure i would have stood fast and held my ground for taking a fall is not a thing which we back then did...so my pride is intact and so is yours except now you dwell in the soft soil...which is better that you died with honor or to live in dishonor my dearest friend i miss you and think about you daily and nightly and there is always a toast to the both of you when I drink...your forever engraved into my memories whether that is for ill or not i do not know....
"Die on your feet or live on your knees...Rest in Peace Sergay...Rest in Peace Sully

Mia Copa meus amor

es injuria meus pectus pectoris , patientia ut Ego postulo , est non velox satis pro suus , Ego postulo magis vicis statuo ut expiscor qua meus pectus pectoris lies , Ego teneo Ego cannot scisco suus ut exspecto tamen Volo pro suus ut. tamen quis an insult si ego operor non sumo suus. is videor sic perficio sic tutus , sic gauisus sic tutus quod is plurimus certainly est decorus , suus decor est per attonitus in totus animadverto. tamen quis efficio quis non efficio Ego non plumbum suus in vel lascivio per suus pectus pectoris EGO reputo EGO may exsisto effectus ut iam tamen suus non intentional meus diligo suus non secus ferreus comprehendo

I want...

I want to wish you away, I want to wish you away, I want to kiss you away!!!

What now....

Well most curious things are unfolding to say the least my slow approach to relationships can be a hinderance at times for some people but it may also be due to my indescion and the deciphering of how I feel...I dont want to get physicall with this very nice women for fear of being cruel if its not meant to be...idk i may just have to fold this hand even though i have two aces...

What I struggle with...

So the thoughts that I struggle with lately is the fact that I will most likely have a career in the military as an officer, more than likely ill be an infantry officer.But this is what plagues me... Its not the thought of dying I fear so much I mean its there but its not over bearing...the thing that consumes me is that if I make a mistake it could cost another persons live in which i would be responsible for that...As my father states when lieutents and captains make mistakes young men die...I dont want to make a mistake that would lead to anothers death..so i need to figure out how to deal with this fear and over come it....

Oddity...

Some days this woman seems to be very interested and other days its like eh not really oh well what can i do about it nothing at all... the dilema circulating around these two women is perplexing and burdensome i want to do the right thing and not hurt any one of them at all...angst is building

Does She Know...

Does she know
when she grasps my hand that these hands have run red with blood that was not my own
how these hands have shattered bones and
caused haggard moans of pain
these hands are hardened and callused
for the purpose of not to build
but solely to destroy
these hands have delivered blows upon other mortals with out end
sending some to live a life maimed
these hands have clutched a knife until my knuckles white
these hand have claimed a life for vengeance in all its might
does she know when she holds these hands what these hands have done

does she know that the face she strokes
has seen been battered and bruised and at times ran crimson
by other men blows all for sport and show
does she know that the lips she kisses softly
have tasted blood thats not there own all for sport and show
does she know that these eyes she gazes into have seen what most should not
and have done what most should not
does she know whos hand she holds....

My Heart

My heart is telling me to go one way but head is telling me to go another the safer path, but its such a tumultous journey doubt lurks in every shadow what shall i do....what shall i do...

Do I follow my heart or my head....

My mind is in disarray...

my heart strings pull upon my mind weighing it down like leaded wieghts on a line...but the lines are a plural now meaning so much more cinfusion so much more dilema if only I could flip to the end of this short chapter and see how it ends and then evaulate where I stand from how it ends...but alas we only read the chapter after its been written...i hope i can write this chapter out most excellently but alas only time will tell how this will end....
"Roll away your stone and ill roll away mine"

As I talk to God....

As I stand here talking to god on high
I wait for his reply
I tell him of the sorrows of the world
and the starving in the streets
the shaking earth that causes death
the wars fought in his name
I wonder why, and how does he spend his time
On a slefish note I ask him why
my love always seems to die
but the triffling matters of my affairs to the of man kinds despair
I sit,
i stand,
i kneel
I pray
But all I hear is the silence and the whispering of the wind
that brings storms to the front......

Vagueness in a vague world...

The vagueness of a vague world is rather intriguing, we all strive towards a fine line of uniquness and acceptance never fully embracing the other just rather trying to be different enough to stand out while conformed enough as to not raise the eyebrows of our peers....

"The crowd on the street walks slowly, don't mind the rain
Lovers hold hands to numb the pain,
Gripping tightly to something that they will never own"

Sorrow

is a state of being which I rarely come out of except for the occassional jump to a high of joy but coming down is so terrible indeed...

Hmmmm....

The oddity of what goes on in my mind its very strange
anger rage sorrow joy smitteness its a complex vortex of confusion that just spins
one day ill try to clear my mind maybe soon maybe not who knows...maybe my instability makes me who i am...
"I dont read the bible, I dont trust disciples"

Apply A Smile

I apply a smile to hide what goes on inside
but tonight when I stand alone in the darkness of my mind
unattended by friends that care,
I cannot help but to despair
for the warmth of your fingertips are long gone
and the taste of your lips are just a lingering memory
so i dwell in a chemical daze trying to make those memories real
but as hard as one can try they wont be real
my mind it just decieves
so i can apply a smile and a some tone
but deep inside its not what is true....

The rose bushel

I must harden my heart
burn down the rose bushel of love
vanquish her from my mind
for I am a slave to her even within my thoughts
alas no more these hands will break the rose vines down and cast them into a dark abyss
I will free my heart from her chains that bind me down
For is it better to love and not have it reciprocated or to love blindly
I shall stand fast within my bitterness and destroy this love
for nothing good shall come of it
just pain just sorrow
for i shall burn down this bushel of love

Is...

Is insanity and instablity a growing condition within my mind...
"The cigarette i couldnt smoke"

This Cell..

This cell that I call my mind...
Its bars are thick and the walls are high
The darkness is vast and unchanging
I sit and cry for a glimspe of the light on high
but darkness is the only thing which i bide
as time goes along its path
sorrow grows forth from shadows
like a black harvest of the plague
thoughts of you are like the carion crow that picks at the remains of those who passed long ago
thoughts if cause sorrow to swell up within my soul which i try to pass away but to no avail you stand within my mind taunting teasing and decieving
why do i care why do i try when it is to no avial
i just dwell in this cell...

Our Prayers...

I walk this valley of death and
fear the arrow that flies by day
and the pestilence that stalks the night
And I fear the plague that destroys at midday
Thousands fall at my side and tens of thousand at my right
all believing that god was on there side..
I have fallen dashed my body against the crimson stones
I look up broken and maimed and ask on high my god my god why you have you forsaken me..
as we all lay broken and maimed a few continue to pray...
but these prayers they go unheard, unanswered....

Oh my....

Confusion enters my mind in vast amounts....the one girl who i like quite a bit but doesnt want a relationship or im not to sure what she wants but she fascinates me...another girl whom i know wants a relationship and i know likes but i havent acted on this physically...its just a matter of what do i do now for the dilema is present i am surely smitten for the one girl but maybe i should reevaluate my emotions and redirect them to where my feelings will be reciprocated...im not to sure what to do...i figure ill just play it out as it comes who knows oh well oh well......

"A sunday smile we wore it for awhile"

Where do I stand...

Where do I stand, where do I stand
The earth it spins around
but i do not move I stand still as the revolutions of time whirl on by,
The days spin by the sorrow soars on high
I know not where I go, I know not where im from,
or of days yet to come...

The consant thought...

The constant thought of you dwells within my mind ever present if even it is just passively but it doesnt stay that way...i find myself thourout the day thinking if you wondering if you are thinking about me...the notes of a song the chirping of birds all these little things trigger you to come once again like a deluge into my mind, which i must say i do enjoy for it is like sipping on fine wine, when i think of days gone by but the bitter sweetness of it all is the sweet is that you dwell in my mind and the memories are lovely but the bitterness is how i long for you, your soft touch upon my face, the warmness of our bodies laying next to eachother in the chill of the night....

...

smoke curls softly up after the smell of sulphur fills the air, a man stands in the shadows just outside the moonligts beams... the night is heavy upon the world and the black is like that of a way a coal mine..not a sinlge star flickers upon this eve to provide a glimpse of hope for humanity..the man still stands taking long slow drags off of his cigarette...the water laps gently against the docks and a boat bobs gently up and down as the current sways...clouds are gathering upon the horizon dark and ominous a breeze begins to blow, the clouds move quickly into the water front a driving wind begins to howl like the banshees wail calling a man to his doom...

I feel....

I feel as though im letting her slip away from me...idk maybe it has to do with the cycle of the moon causing sorrow and what not...but i feel a shadow growing over me and i dislike it very much so...maybe im just being a blind fool im uncertain at the moment i just dont really know...confusion perplexion and severe amount of sorrow is present within me...i hope that it is just the moon cycle and i have not done anything to drive her away or something....the moons cycles have great effect on my moods so i figure i hope thats just it...a dear comrade is helping me figure out whats going on within my head but how can someone help if i dont know whats going on...i think i need to go have a cigarrete and a nice tall glass a whiskey and just keep pooring it out until i pass out...that might be the plan....
"No can do that, no can do this, what the hell can you do my friend in this place that you call your town"

The night...

tonight will be beautiful i sense i may not sleep for a long while just to soak it all in....i think it will be a very large moon indeed and just all around it will be a beautiful evening....
"You gotta keep holding on to what you got, but it sure aint alot"

Fascination....

had a bonfire at the beach the other night it was quite lovely indeed...got to spend time with the very lovely lady whom intrigues me very much so very much so indeed...it was a small number of people who showed up but that was quite alright...
so yes now I am off doing the homework and all that joyful business that is associated with schooling...
"The shame that sent me off from the god that i once loved, was the same that sent me into your arms"

This eve...

a bottle of whiskey and a half a pack of smokes and a smitten mindset...im prepared for whats to come...

China Dolls...

Today was a normal friday to say the least not to much to report on the front...tommorow i have rugby match and afterwards i get to go to a bonfire and spend some time with a very lovely lady most exciting indeed im quite excited...and tonight is a brooding night at the bucks its been awhile since ive had a brooding session so im looking forward to it as well....


"Vincent Van Gogh, Why do you weep?
You were on your way to heaven, but the road was steep
And who was there to break your fall?
We're guilty, One and All"

Do I.....

Do I wander aimlessly or is there a purpose to this wandering that I am unaware of is fate guiding me along a path unbeknowst to me... but does that mean fate is god?? im not to sure this is odd indeed we shall see...i feel like there is a form of fate but then i have to reconize a form of god a personal god....im unsure but thats my general state of being...
"Reach for the sky aint ever gonna die"

a dream...

so i had a dream a very odd one indeed a demon came and spoke to me he looked just like a voporous outline like a man enclosed in a fog. his name was the unholy guardian but oddly enough the whole dream was in latin or something like old roots latin which I have a very limited knowledge of which i could speak fluently in te dream...odd indeed..but the whole dream was me discoursing with this demon on why i didnt believe in god but his issue was why i didnt believe in the devil and all this wierdness was discussed about suffering why the angels left god in the multitudes just a strange dream to say the least one of the most odd ive ever had.....

As I stumble...

As I stumle, and sojourn through my mind
the memories of the past are relived and redwelled
often of sorrow but lately of joy and a large amount of uncertainity is also present,
I have reached a fork in this path along an untrodden trail,
shall i be bold and descive or stagger and stall with regards of this path moments are waning time precious time is ticking away...

"Im not going to play there aint no way ill win"

The sorrow of living...

we live to die... an irrefutable fact..every moment we step closer to our final hours upon this earth and waht awaits us after we close our eyes and we breath the last breath...i for one do not know and i doubt that anyone knows for certain so this is just a thought a ramble a jaunt...i suppose i must live for today and not dwell on the events to come....
"Holden Caulfield is a friend of mine, we go drinking from time to time"

A wandering...

A wandering mind is a dangerous place to trek...

The disillussioned youth...

The youth are disillusion we the youth are wanting for something to stand for, our society is telling us to divide but what if we want to unify but i think we live in a selfish society of how we feel how do i deal with this...i always try to approach it as how does this make this person feel especially in regards to relationships, our relationships among the youth are jokes its all about sex especailly on the male part, guys giving high fives to nailing a girl, why cant people make love now adays its just a "fuck" irks me...but i shant be a hyprocrit i am just as guilty as anyone but i reckon its good that i have stopped to contemplate this. I have also reconciled my past ways largely in the fact that i will no longer just appreciate a women for looks but for her whole being, which brings in regards of er spirit and personality, how could expect a free spirit to stay with me??? i think this is the root of my irratableness right now but im not to sure, it is alot to ask of a free spirit to remain with me i just dont know, but the matter of if she gives over willingly but i dont think i could ask for such a thing....
"These bars are filled with things that kill"

Strike me down....this kind of turned into poem sort of

This trail of woe which we wonder upon,
the barren path worn down to dust,
drenched in moonshine,
we stumble, we crawl, we cry, and this world is telling us that were having a ball
but through my daze this twilight fades,
why must i rely on these chemicals and lies to provide a false sense of happiness
through a stupor and dazed eye i see the world,
but i lift the veil and realize that this world is an embodiment of hell
maybe thats why i clench this bottle till its dry...



"I feel like all my bridges have been burnt, you say that exactly how this grace thing works"

Ive come to conclude....

that i would be one of those people that would be in greek mythology who attempts to fight the gods knowing he would lose but still attempting to do it no matter if leads to certain death. for we as mortals have one thing which even the gods or god do not posses we can be glorious we can be dramatic we can die, all amazing things are trumped by the gods immortality but to die gloriously we rob the gods of there glory....

"And I don't know much, but I do know this
With a golden heart, comes a rebel fist
But I can't help agreeing with those that would not quit."

Now maybe just maybe....

Do you think that certain people are only happy when things are going wrong or something along those lines...maybe im only happy when im sad i am not to sure sadness seems like a much more real emotion than happiness in a way...happiness is so hard to acheive and who is truly happy in this world happiness almost becomes apart of the will rather than the intelect in which emotions are supposed to lie but maybe what ive been taught is wrong!!! what that cant be this is madness...i find anger if there is a socalled god why would he make such a fucked up world i mean honestly its repulsive why would god allow his creation which god loves to suffer to die to feel pain to kill to starve to fight and kill others in gods name it angers me this christ god is not all loving or all caring sounds like a fascade to me!!!!! anger wells up in my heart...
"In my hour of darkness,I keep council with the dead, just enough to remind me im alive"

The weekend past

THis weekend past was wonderful indeed it was we took fourth place in a tourney out of 32 teams, i also receievd a concusion and i think two cracked ribs and maybe a broken nose or atleast trauma to the bone and cartilage, all and al it was good. But most importantly i spent the evening upon saturday with a very lovely lady, she downright fascinates me its rather odd im not to sure what to do at the moment i suppose i can just wait it out and see what happens i reckon its one of the few times ive been indesive in regards to a women but i just uncertain of what to do in regards to what she wants and what i want as well but i will see what plays out.....

"Was it love or fear of the cold that lead us through the night every kiss trumped my doubt"

I am not a patriot...(First Draft)

I am not a patriot,
I fight not what for the history books all say we do
I do not care for pomps and circumstances,
the politicians that send young men to die,
but yet never they themselves set foot into the trenches
them and their loved ones just sit and dine,
and gorge upon wine,
while my loved ones fight and die to preserve what the men in power think we stand for
they tell me what I want and what I need as if they truly try to please
never have they scene the torment and the woe, the lost youth laying turning the ground into a crimson river with young blood,and wasted breath,that is lost to time
before you tell me what I stand for and why I should fight,
come to the trenches and level a weapon with its sights and claim a life
for you know not why I fight nor shall you ever,
for I am not a patriot

Winter Ends

Little Lion Man

Another day another vendetta i hope not...

Today was average tommorow should be wonderful i have a full day of rugby and i get to spend the eve with a lovely lady what more could a man ask for nothing comes to mind at the moment. So schooling was a terrible place to be today just the monatany bad grades just generalized death all around...(figuratively of course) Lauren has finally been healed of her sickness which is good indeed. Plato or Aristotle believed that music has a direct influence on the soul or personality i reckon and that it should be monitored i stand against censorship but i do believe he had a poignant theory with that for i listen to melancholic music so i think it may make me more melancholic or is it im just melancholic in general and can relate to it more than a sanguin person im not certain research must be done i suppose but i dont feel like busting out the republic at the moment...

Another though is that of the soul what if (since im diest) the unmoved infused with some kind of mortal soul or some kind of higher congnitive reasoning why is it that i can think of things animals cant i dont know rather a odd thought that i must ponder...You know your a deist when athiest thing your naive and christain think your a athiest ha


"And my head told my heart to let love grow, my heart told my head this time no, this time no"

a theory nothing more...

1) If god is all good he would destroy evil
2) If god is all powerful he could destroy evil
3) Since god is loving he wants to destroy evil
4) Evil still exists

yet we still have evil so this proves either there is no all loving god or no god at all,or a god that is not all powerful, or that god doesnt give rip about us....


"But its not your fault this time, its mine, and its your heart on the line, i really fucked it up this time, havent i my dear"

Celestial Cemetary

O the great expanse up in that sky
where we of man under sleep lie
the you cast down from your realms
into this darkened hell
the speckled spots upon the clouds
like stitch work upon a cloth that entombs our earth
oh specactled light that shineth down
hath this light still around
or are you dead upon the sky but yet your light still reaching
tries to penetrate or land for one last frail attempt for you to tend

The clock face

The clock strikes twelve
a new day has begun
time does not feel
it cannot love
but yet we fear of days to come
we try our best to control whats next
but yet we live our lives in regret
time moves on steady never faultering
time it cannot be altered

The funeral toll...

For whom does the bell toll
as I walk down the road, the alleys lack laughter, the streets lack joy
a cloud comes forth hiding the light
for whom do they light the lanterns aglow
and why do they walk so somber and slow
and why do they weep with tears that lack joy
again I ask for whom does the bell toll
For you says says a man,dressed all in black
and its time that we go

You call....

You call me unstable like your all so sane....

The River Styx...

I sit now upon the banks of the River styxs

where i wait for that boat of oak to shuttle across,

we see the men come but yet i see none go adding to the purpose of this place

of unspent regret and woe, for honest men fear the passing of the river tide and try there best to sit and bide there mortal mind.

Untitled(First Draft)

These chains that bind me with with the dance of time, that sieze my body for the debts i owe
These chains that that i struggle to break and to wane,
but the fight is a fruitless toil for there can be no victory against the chains of time
thats clink and clackle upon my body dragging it
down into the depths below.

So I sleep in the arms of Fate(First draft)

Alas the lovely lady of fate caress my wounded head,
I dance a waltz with Lady Fate as my partner, I try lead the dance
the rhythyms and tones direct her which way to go, but to my despair she takes the lead
and binds me with these chains, that grow tighter and tighter the more i strain.
I often wonder to which I should do fight the path or give into her sweet embrace
For lady fate is lover which one can grow to hate, but would things be resolved if tried not to break away from her slender embrace that she wraps around me and carresses my face with her soft hands and silver grace, but what of it when she breaks this bond, cuts the strings of my life, like the breaking of a single shining web glistening in the spring sun. I know I shant be the first no the last to be forsaken by this lover.

Just another day

well my dearest mother does not wish me to take this lovely lady to my rugby banquet quite the irksome matter but i shall address this on a latter day more like tommorow hope papa can talk some sense into her ha! but i will take this woman and thats the end of the matter....
"Swing low carrion crow, take my body for it lives no more"

This women

Will not vacate my feeble mind i try and try but alas to no avail i think i have fallen hard and fast (fret not this isnt love) just idk ha!! but its on my mind and i dont want to be over anxious but i sont want to blow her off so yeah.....
"Ill take my pardon on the run"

Ive just seen a face...

well this weekend was quite nice indeed my parents were out of the town but i kept all behaved...but the point of this post is to state the fact that i met this lovely girl and im quite interested in her not in a fly by night two weeks sirt of deal like the others i actually care she fits for some reason or another cant really place it to well...but yeah but i hope all works out for the best anyways....I wont let this one end up on my list of regrets...
"desperate time call for desperate men, im just a kid but ill pretend"

The past is behind us...

i apologize for the long absense since know i have numerous readers who come and dwell upon this blog....ive decided i dislike that word anyways...my life seems more and more tedious and the monatany of it all is just burdonesome...i find myself wandering the open plains of my mind more and more i feel like i crave love but at the same despise it with a vast amount of my being indeed that seems to be the case..which can at times be humorous indeed...well till next time...
"I will destroy everything of beauty"