The restless and wearied...

Come ye haggard soldiers, rest in the arms of fate
for you fought against the foe, that stood upon that throne
now you lay weary battered broken and maimed
and some walk now upon that great plane
for the cause must be righteous for you to fight
and to give it now your earthly life, for what lies beyond you do not know
except for toil this earth, perhaps the sleep of final rest
will clear away the weariness, the horrors that we seen and dealt as well,
for there is no god no justice in this battle and strife
you stand ever silent and stoic amongst the many who witness not what you have scene
upon this earth so green
the sorrow robbed of youth so soon, llike a blossom without its bloom
your toils greater than you alone thats why you fight that man upon the throne
which until your laid to rest amongst the great tomes,
you struggle on beneath the autumn moon.

my bible teacher...

is so ignorant i cant even fathom it......and another thought maybe we all pretend to be so deep to hide how shallow we really are

Hmmmm.....

life seems dull at the moment im not to sure what i want from it, and on that thought im not to sure what i want from my next relationship whenever that happens anyways, it between distant relationship bordering casual sex, or do i really want someone who will come and watch me play rugby on the weekend and who can sit and just smoke at starbucks for hours on end, anyways dont think this is a pressing matter anyways just a random thought a future plan for a fruitless endeavor ha...some say failing to plan is planning to fail..what if you were going to fail anyways who now how can we answer the one who plans and then fails, Looks lke your just shit out of luck....
"heres to life"

So today...

ive been intoxicated since eleven in the morning its been wonderful to say the least...the world is a brghter place when im not sober.....kinda ha....well this certain women been on my quite a bit even though i havent talked to her in ages and i know that nothing shall come of it but alas oh well..there are plenty of others well sorta im rather particular ha...oh well...god i love whiskey
the sun is setting as the day comes to a close....the clouds are so free upon that easle in the sky oh how i long to be free and float ever changing m y form break these chains that bind us and drift up into the sky...
"I see three men hanging on a sycamore"

Life

Life is full of cheap tricks and false thrills keep pulling the wool over your eyes and pray to that fascade you call god. as if he listens as if he cares, this world, this world is crumbling spiraling down towards an unknown destination where it will fall no one knows, they promises the answers that they know they cant provide theyll just pull the wool over your eyes.....

As Soberity Decreases

so currently im in the process of losing my sobriety which is wonderful indeed to say the least ha..yes so lately i find myself longing for a relationship but at the same time i feel the exact opposite its odd indeed very odd....your emotions can lead you astray wuite easily i think i am attracted to a girl at school but we shall see once get to know her better if this is still the case for i have decided that i am not going to settle for just someone to mack it with but i want someone whom is intelligent and i can converse with on a larger plane not just be macking it all the time....a hopefully someone with the religous viewpoints as me or similiar or more accepting due to the fact that differing religions can lead to tension within a realationship.....Descarte stated that we cant be certain of anything even of reality so in theory this whole world is a construct of some imagination....do you ever wonder if your someone else dream or something like that maybe thats just me i dont know.....mixing drinks sure beats the hell out of drinking straight from the bottle but oh well what can one do when times are pressing.....my ex keeps crossing my mind its rather odd very odd indeed i would call her but in this state of being thatwouldnt be prudent but i wouldnt call her in any other state of being haha thats humorous to state the least...well i am off now.....
"we only come out at night the days are much to bright"

Untitled

listen to the sirens seranade my passage across the sea of time this time it passes through troubled waters this troubled times of life......the rain it coming down today it quite lovely rain seems like it washes the inequities of the world away well so it seems but it truly doesnt ive been doing alot of readin as of late ive been rereading some of the works by shopenhauer amazing man....my bible teacher he states few mwn die atheist but even if they renounce atheism they dont accept theism so whats the difference i mean honestly believing in a diety is differnt than believing in the christ god or allah or what not so in all actuality they dont truly reonounce their beliefs they just redirect them....
"I walked the road from Tuscon to San Atonio the smell of blood on my breath"

Love

oh woe is me along this trail of life....ive come to conclude that love is the ultimate suffering but alas i shall defend it with reason..how can one be truly happy for example if you have an object youll be happy with it correct? but the fact of the matter is at anytime that thing can be taken from you so if what makes you happy can be taken from you at any moment then it really doesnt make you happy....well this applies with love as well almost ten times more..well that all i have to say...
"These hands made of splinters keep knocking back the whiskey sours"

now what will i do...

well i had an intense feeling of joy for some odd reasoning while going through my ex profile it was certainly odd to say the least...im also really an asshole...thats why ive decided to not date anyone for quite some time because i dont know how to o graceful exits and i get irked to easily.....but thats all water under a bridge i reckon who knows maybe ill contact her maybe i shant who knows she probably wouldnt like it so much if a contacted her....oh well...im not one to live in the past or the present for that matter i just kinda live or exist yes exist is more like it....hmmm i need to find a homecoming date....i would take my dear friend lauren because we get along quite excellent and perhaps i shall but i kinda want to go with someone i can get cuddly with haha and well thats not what i want from lauren you under stand what i state well she does so thats all thas pertinent at the moment...hmmmmmmmm..oh yeah my mother today stated that i need to have morals and stay away from sleazy girls she watched some doctor phil episode on teen sex or something so now she thinks actually idk what what she thinks but it is highly irrational as usual....but her heart is in te right place so that good...yes it tis...well i feel drained today so i think i shall go and finish some homework maybe ill continue my post later

"Ive broke a law or two reckon i only missed a few, i laid a couple out on that cold linen board, sometimes i get quick to anger quick to put a knife up to another mans throat"

Oh the Haggardness

I be tired my body and my soul long to rest in eloquent slumber.....but alas that is not my fate the pursuit of knowledge keeps me from a deep slumber..last night was a restless one dreams plagued my sleep the all involved some kind of vile trickster woman who would led me to my doom sometimes i gave in other times i did not...and there was a sinking boat which i was on it was odd maybe a shouldnt smoke before bed from here on out who knows however....i long for a tall glass of brandy a pack of lucky strikes and the company of my dearest friends whom all seem scattered to the winds....and then there is always the one women who got away i blow it off but in actuality i think i care about my mess up with this one it tis a shame we had alot in common but smoking is an unforgivable crime now a days oh well what can one do about the past nothing nothing at all...the weather is cool today i enjoyed it i was able to wear my trench early this morning when i went to churchings with my mother which was okay i reckon mornings and i have a love hate relationship haha there so splendidly beautiful but the pain of being awake is surely a downer..i spent all of today doing homework which in fact i should be doing now...but i dont have a strong inclination to do it so alas i shant until later this eve....i miss my dear friends whom have all departed to college i can only truly say a have one close friend at my place of education she is an amazing person splendidly inteligent and carries good conversation but the silence is also nice i havent felt the silence of satisfaction in sometime but it was present last night..the fact that its not being entertained with someone its being content with them we waste so much time entertaining ourselves that we lose sight of just expierencing things oh brave new world of youth what shall become of us i wonder where is society heading...the gods they look down in silence...i long for a god i think i truly do but the thought of god also makes me so bitter im not to sure why maybe im still upset about my grandfathers passing away that the concept of god frustrates me....i know where i stand atleast i am pretty sure i havent ruled out complete miraculous conversion yet haha....but i cant stand religion the division the strife that it causes its almost evil and that my friends is why i cant believe i want to but i cant....i had an ex whom thought smoking was for insecure people which it maybe true but i see religion as being for insecure people it the big security blanket of what happens when i stop breathing people cant fathom it people fear it immensly if heaven is so great why arent christians running out to be matyred i cant see it except for the muslims ie suicide bombers thats truly living the faith i reckon oh well rants rants and more rants i am probably making a mockery of myself but i doubt anyone will read this so i feel comfortable in my sophmoronic statutes. a friend of mine says love is one the most amazing things ever but id like to beg to differ love is not a wonderful thing atleast the whole courting thing...love just leaves one heart empty and void...but there is different kind of loves for example i would gladly die for a close friend of mine why because i love him and he is my friend....but the whole relationship thing makes me angry makes me want to consume whiskey and rum makes me want to forget....................

"Her breath pure as whiskey my heart fell in love"

The security blanket

today i was rather irratable quite possibly from the lack of nicotine still unsure on that matter...but id like to discuss my bible teacher its a sad story really his wife was shot and she died terrible i know...but i can see him cling to religion like a security blanket believe Karls Marx stated that religion is the opium of the people...why focus on how shitty this life is when there is the next one...but what if there is nothing or it just as shitty as this one...i mean who honestly knows for sure...id like to believe in a personal god who cares about me and all that but i dont see it...i dont see god caring about what happens in this world at all....people say look at the good and youll see god but what about the bad there is probably a ten to one scale of bad to good things....but that just my opinions...ive kinda reached a plateu of discontentment but i cant place what makes me discontent or unhappy. I had a loving girlfriend but that managed not to come to anything its odd i do say. i feel like i loved her but sometimesi wonder if i did i care about her and want the best for her in all regards but one day i got upset with her and ceased to talk to her and that was it i cant seem to formulate what bothers me into coherent sentences maybe the whole religion differing view points had something to do with it im not to sure on this matteri still feel like an asshole but i figure a little to late so what can one do eh just strike up another cigarette and poor a tall one i suppose, its not that the break up or whatever you want to call it devasted me. It almost like i dont want to be alone but at the same time i do maybe i havent met someone who can understand me in my entirety and maybe i dont want that day to come the thought of someone having complete control of my heart and passions scares me maybe thats why i broke up with her out of fear...idk ill have to ponder this more in a less sober state ....maybe we all have our security blankets of some sorts and i reckon if god works for you then thats grand but i just dont buy it.....
"were all waiting for the end what kind of finish will he send"

So is this the end of the line or just the beginging

The world as seen through the eyes of a young pessimist
so im the rather young age of 18 i have yet to see the world in a large portion i have already seen alot of it...one could certainly say im a pessimist at heart i just cant help this factor....im very odd as certainly youll soon discover...
"the wait it is over this bottle is dry"