So here I am again...

I wake up the light driving into my mind, a broken cigarette still in my lips, a drained bottle of vodka in one hand a lighter in the other, I sit slumped upon my desk, still groggy from what is going on, I do not even remeber when i started drowning my sorrows last eve or was the day before last, time is so relative when it comes to these matters, just a desire to forget where I come from, and where Ive been, and who I have been with.

Two Birds with Broken wings how will we ever learn to fly??

They tell me that you’re a bad girl. They say you sleep around. They say you’re a sexual deviant. They say I am making a mistake, that I’ll play the fool. They say you got a drug a problem, an alcohol problem, and least of all a love problem. But it is not as if I don’t have some baggage of my own, I hide in my own chemical walls that I built strong. Reinforced with a jumble of words I call poetry and I hide from the light for I disdain the world so. I have done deeds that have left men broken and maimed, blood was just a taste I grew accustomed to. I have had my best friend die in my arms bleeding rivers of crimson into that storm drain early in the dawns clean light. So you and I my love, we are like two birds with broken wings how will we ever learn to fly, with all this weight we carry on our souls?
You came to my dwelling late one eve and I had been biding in a chemical veil, since half past three, a few friends gathered to celebrate something trivial something meek, through the fog of my mind your slender figure came across that door frame and your beautiful face, I was certain of its celestial nature but when I looked into your eyes I saw you were just as broken as I. We sat and talked, I offered you a light and you took the invite as the moon shone clear from that black sky. The first phrase off my lips was “Girl, I don’t believe in love” and you replied with “Boy, no need to worry, for nor do I” and we sat there in silence for a bit taking in the majestic night sky. I told you of the rain and the clouds and maybe you caught glimpses of these chains around my body and the walls that I built high around my heart to fend off love, for I know I caught a glimpse of yours. I asked for your name you just said “Boy, call me Bonnie and you can be Clyde” and I said through an exhale of smoke “That’s fine by me” I thought to myself “for we all know how there story ends.” We continued talk as the night dragged by; I knew we were both playing the game of attraction.
Which was all right, for we both knew our desires which led to a first kiss on that chair, and it was nothing pure. It tasted like tobacco and gin, and we both grinned, we woke up the next morn in the clean light of the dawn. And throughout the next week I wondered was it love or fear of the cold that led us through that night? Oh, how I tried to raise my walls back to those imposing heights around my heart and seal you away from that tender organ of tissue, blood and emotion. To no avail these walls crumbled and fell slowly but surely, cracked and weathered by some unknown assailant, I told myself to resist, to keep building, to keep fabricating but it just caused these facades to fall ever so swiftly. I have also come to perceive that as these walls fall down to the crimson earth below, these chains and shackles are starting to break free from my body they no longer clank with each step I take nor do I feel there weight with each breath I gasp at. I think the same may be happening for you as well.
So if neither of us believes in this fairy tale called love I wonder what I am falling into every time I gaze into your soft brown eyes? They say it’s a trap that I am plummeting into, though I think they are wrong this time.
So my love, you and I we are like broken glass that has been shattered in the tempest of this world, place our shattered pieces of glass together and the stained lives we live into one frame, the cracks sealed but all can still see, for when we are together our beauty shines forth like the radiance of a stained glass window in the midday sun.
These fairy tales have drugged told us what to expect from life and love that there is always a happy ending, a happy beginning and a happy middle, a beautiful princess and a dashingly handsome prince, crafted by the gods themselves. A match made in heaven. Unfortunately, I come to shed some truth on this matter, and I am sorry to say you are being deceived for the path of life and especially the path of love is nothing like this, especially in regards to love for the fairy tales tell us that everyone is perfect and everyone is symmetrical but I disagree for that is a façade. The fictitious story I have told above illustrates that what we search for is not always perfect or pure but can still be found. Love is the cracks and stains in the person that we feel this towards and the cracks and stains in our own lives we live. One can think back to the story of Bonnie and Clyde and not think of the ending of there love but the story of what made them into what they were and the love they had during there life. The person who holds our heart accepts us as who we are and what our person and essence is. So maybe two birds with broken wings can learn to fly or at least try to catch that wistful breeze.

some prose

The walls that I built around my heart were once impregnable.
but when you walked through that door they began to crumble like the walls of jericho
and down and down they came collapsing in upon themselves at first i tried to built them up but it was all for not, now i leave myself exposed on all flanks exposed to the stinging arrows and the piercing swords, with no means of defense, i stand naked and bare defenseless likely a newly borne babe, you have the power to make these walls rise forth out of the ashes and turn them into walls of roses and lilacs, and we can be entwined like those beautiful vines...

You are like a rose who beauty is unrivaled, the morning dew drips off your pedals causing rivelets of rainbow in each drop, but you keep your thorns strong and sharp always ready to prick the passerby, to protect yourself from harm that you percieve from the cruel world, you stand alone and resilent in your beauty, but my love i wish to tend to you, but you grow fearful, to nurture you,to tell you of your beauty constantly, but you grow fearful, but i can remain persistent in your care waiting and hoping for one day when you may let down your guard and allow your thorns to fall away from your stem and let me into your heart...

am i being played...

so i think i may be being played im not to sure yet...why would you tell me those things if you wanted to play me it makes no sense...why would you end the conversation in that way if you were going for a gentle push off away from me?? idk to be honest i know your not a safe bet i knew that from the start i know how you live your life which is fine i dont mind really...but dont think of me as a fool either. and dont destroy something that could prove to be beautiful out of fear. this is sheer ridiculouslessnes idk what i shall do about you my dear lady i hope you realize that im not going to hurt you and that what you do to me makes me quite scared as well the power you wield over me is not natural...so let us cast this fear aside my angel and we caould go forth and continue this...

"no longer shall i see these streets of sorrow"

The college...

it has worked out as long as i get the paper work in it will happen which is wonderful news!! but what plaguing me lately is the lack of contact from this lovely lady maybe she is just busy or what not or im being to over bearing which i try hard not to do but i crave her like heroin which is an understatement but i assume she is busy i pray that is the case any how i hope she has not lost interest in me that would make me quite melancholic to say the least leading to much drinking much but i dont think she has lost interest oh well we shall see we shall see...

Same issue at hand....

the more i think about it the more it irks me...I dont want a college life that is so regimented people telling me when to eat sleep shit have to dress this way only...i dont want to lose who i am in its entirety. and the citadel a bastion of southern pride military schools...i dont feel like i need to prove myself to anyone there or to my parents so now what?? as this continues to unfold i shall inform you of how it goes...

It has hit the fan...

So i ontacted call maritime and the recieve my transcripts they are reavulating me which is a plus...unfortunately when they called my mother picked up...leading to shit hitting the fan big time...leading to a long discussion with papa and a argument with mother...all and all its bad...but i feel forthright in my choice to change schools and this has just temepered my forthrghtness if money is an issue and they are not going to help me i shall just enlist in the national guard and then it shall no longer be an issue at hand for then my life is my own...the stress of this situation is weighing upon my soul but it has been laid out now we shall just wait and see...the guard seems like a good idea and hopefully a leverage point against them for not funding me for im pretty much guarenteed a deployment to the middle east especially since i would go infantry...it wieghs upon my soul so much so much i just am so perplexed so confused so distraught i hope this can work out soon the sooner the better...i dont see the citadel as a place for me, but they do, i think the time to break free has come...

Well...

it has been laid out to me, my choice is not my own, the citadel is where i am going no matter what...it still irks me, my family does not talk about the choices that effect my life, its just assumed oh well, i hope its just the crazy things that this certain girl is doing to my mind im not to sure to say the least, or if m thought on the citadel are true...i guess time will tell there is always a few plans in my hip pocket all of which are drastic ut they pretty much eliminate seeing this women all together which is counter productive to say the least...i figure that i shall attend the citadel and hope for the best with the women who holds a special place in my heart right now, timing is everything i guess... what can i expect were across the country its not like i can make her mine no no i cant its not fair hopefully breaks during the year will be enough to satisfy the joy she gives me....uncertainity sorrow just everything is fucked up, fucked up....

Fuck this shit...

Im expected to go to the citadel im expected to get commissioned in the marine corps... but i really dont want to go to the citadel but its to late for it i reckon i have a last push that im going to make soon as in like tommorow, but another point how do i tell my parents especially papa that i dont want this its hard to do but i think its time to assert what i want...the money they have put into the summer school can be redeemed...i just dont want to spend four years of my life which im supposed to enjoy being chained to rules getting a degree that wont really help me that much after the military and i dont want a ring that bad from the citadel, i know cal maritime is a good school its where i want to go it fits me but i didnt get accepted which sucks tommorow i shall call them and try to talk my way into it then i will talk to my parents i think idk this is finally becoming a reality and i dont like where it is heading...

Deliberating on this on...

The call to arms is coming across the whispering breeze
it passes by growing stronger and stronger with each breath i take into my lungs
I clutch my blackened rifle in my hands, and dream of the shores back home,
I lied to my love, when i told her i would return,
I hope i shall but the shadow of death stalks me where ever i walk
I know that i must embrace her soft touch soon,
but as sit in these trenches full of mud,
I dwell upon your soft skin in the spring time sun
and the thoughts of you are what drive me on in
the valley of death, for your warm memories keep back the wretched hand of death
from claiming me...