today i was rather irratable quite possibly from the lack of nicotine still unsure on that matter...but id like to discuss my bible teacher its a sad story really his wife was shot and she died terrible i know...but i can see him cling to religion like a security blanket believe Karls Marx stated that religion is the opium of the people...why focus on how shitty this life is when there is the next one...but what if there is nothing or it just as shitty as this one...i mean who honestly knows for sure...id like to believe in a personal god who cares about me and all that but i dont see it...i dont see god caring about what happens in this world at all....people say look at the good and youll see god but what about the bad there is probably a ten to one scale of bad to good things....but that just my opinions...ive kinda reached a plateu of discontentment but i cant place what makes me discontent or unhappy. I had a loving girlfriend but that managed not to come to anything its odd i do say. i feel like i loved her but sometimesi wonder if i did i care about her and want the best for her in all regards but one day i got upset with her and ceased to talk to her and that was it i cant seem to formulate what bothers me into coherent sentences maybe the whole religion differing view points had something to do with it im not to sure on this matteri still feel like an asshole but i figure a little to late so what can one do eh just strike up another cigarette and poor a tall one i suppose, its not that the break up or whatever you want to call it devasted me. It almost like i dont want to be alone but at the same time i do maybe i havent met someone who can understand me in my entirety and maybe i dont want that day to come the thought of someone having complete control of my heart and passions scares me maybe thats why i broke up with her out of fear...idk ill have to ponder this more in a less sober state ....maybe we all have our security blankets of some sorts and i reckon if god works for you then thats grand but i just dont buy it.....
"were all waiting for the end what kind of finish will he send"
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